Welcome back, loves. Today, I want to break down the truth about feminine energy when it comes to dating. I feel that people often get it a little bit twisted, at least in my eyes, and I want to set the record straight today.
Firstly, when I speak about masculine and feminine energy, I’m not speaking to gender. I’m not saying men are masculine, women are feminine, and that’s how it has to be.
We all carry masculine and feminine energy. But I feel that a lot of people, even though they know that they’re not gendered, end up making them gendered. They believe men have to be in their masculine and women have to be in their feminine, though that isn’t necessarily true.
Now, is that what works for the majority of heterosexual relationships in order to create polarity? Yeah, it does. In healthy heterosexual relationships, it’s usually a man who is predominantly showing up in his masculine, and a woman who is predominantly showing up in her feminine.
But that doesn’t mean we’re always in our feminine energy. In my business, I’m very much in my masculine when I’m delivering a training, when I’m recording a podcast episode, whatever it might be. We could argue that I’m in flow and channeling and all of these things, which is part of feminine energy, but me actually delivering these things is me being in my masculine energy.
Business is a predominantly masculine domain. So I am in my masculine in my work, but when it comes to my relationship, I enjoy being in my feminine energy…most of the time. That doesn’t mean I never plan anything, or I never look after him. We do get to integrate both parts of ourselves. But that’s just what I’ve seen work for the majority of heterosexual relationships, where the woman tends to be in her feminine and the man tends to be in his masculine.
The reverse of that actually tends to be the downfall of these relationships, or at least ends up being a point of contention.
The woman feels that she’s always doing. She’s always having to plan things. She has to be on top of the kids and the cleaning and all of that, while the man is really in his receiving energy. This can get tiring for a lot of women, because they want to be in their receiving energy.
What I really want to break down today is the distortion around what it means to be in your feminine, particularly when it pertains to dating.
I want to start by saying that being in your feminine is not about dressing a certain way or doing your hair a certain way or wearing your makeup a certain way. That is all an expression of the feminine, but you can be deeply feminine and be in trackies.
When I went to the retreat that I went to a few months ago, all the women were telling me, “Wow, you just ooze feminine energy and sensuality.” I had never mentioned sensuality, and I was wearing trackies the whole time, but they could feel that because it’s an energy.
Being in your feminine energy is not about the external, but we think that it is. We think that if we can just dress a certain way or wear a certain lipstick, then we’re going to be embodying the dark feminine. I’ve seen TikTok trends all over the place surrounding the dark feminine that are all about makeup and clothes and whatever.
Listen. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about when it comes to the dark feminine. Sorry, but you don’t.
Dark feminine energy is this primordial energy. It’s about womb mysteries and blood and, I’m sorry I’m being judgy, but it just doesn’t resonate for me.
Still, that kind of external thing can be an expression of the dark feminine. right? It can be a really beautiful gateway into you potentially expressing more of your feminine. But I really don’t vibe with this, “Oh, if you wear red nails, then it’s going to remind him of his mother, and then he’s gonna be…” blah blah blah energy.
I don’t know, maybe there is some psychological thing to that, but we’ve all taken it a little bit too literally. It’s just feeling a little bit distorted.
Now, this isn’t about having rigid rules. This doesn’t mean you can’t wear red nails or you have to have red nails or whatever. Honestly, it’s making me cringe a bit to even talk about.
You can actually do whatever the fuck you want. When I’m speaking to developing your feminine energy, all that’s about is filling in a piece you’re missing. For example, if you were really strong physically, but your cardio was lacking, then you would go and do some cardio so that you could have a healthy cardiovascular system, right?
So it’s not about one thing being wrong or another thing being superior. We need both masculine and feminine energy.
I believe in us being integrated human beings, not this feminine woman who can’t do shit for herself because she’s like, “Oh no, what will I do with these hands? Where is a man who can help me?”
It’s not about that, but it is about allowing ourselves to strengthen the parts of us which may not be so strong within us. That’s why I believe in developing our feminine energy if we tend to be in our masculine a lot, which…most women are, because we live in a masculine-dominant world.
That’s just the reality. You have to get up, you have to go to work, then you come home and you have this partner who’s wanting you to be soft and gooey. And it’s like…how do you even transition from having to be in control all the time to letting it go at the drop of a hat?
It’s really, really important that we develop this energy if we want to be in a relationship where we are receiving. Whether that means receiving a compliment, receiving a gift, or receiving love, pleasure, adoration…whatever it is, if we want to receive that, we need to be able to access our feminine.
For example, take the context of being on a date. He says, “Oh, wow, you look so beautiful,” and you go, “Oh, mate, nah, I just threw this thing on.”
There’s this overt pushing away of that compliment, and when we’re in that state, when we can’t access our feminine energy, we’re going to be in this state of pushing away love, pushing away pleasure, pushing away money, pushing away our joy, pushing away our softness, pushing away our anger, all of the things.
This is why it’s really important that we come home to this part of ourselves.
The way that I see it, I really don’t believe that it’s about you learning to be feminine. That was a trap that I was caught in for a very long time. “Oh my god, I’m so masculine. I need to learn how to be feminine.”
This isn’t true at all. The truth is, I’m actually deeply feminine. I believe that for most women, most of us have a feminine essence at our core. It’s actually just about removing all the conditioning and all the stories and the armor in the body so we can come home to ourselves and feel safe in that.
That’s part of it too, right? We don’t feel safe in receiving, because we feel that we’re going to have to give something back. We can’t receive him paying on the first date because then we feel like we’ll owe him.
The other piece of when we aren’t connected to this side of ourselves is that we tend to attract very feminine men. Not men who are in their integrated feminine, but rather in their wounded feminine.
These are men who can’t lead for shit. They can’t plan anything. Everything’s hard. They have to be told how to do everything. And that works for you on some level, because you end up going into your distorted masculine, where you are having to control everything all of the time and be that provider, even though you feel exhausted. But like I’ve said before, you’re kinky for your own suffering, right? There’s payoff in that for you.
If you want to know where your energy is at, just examine the types of men that you’re attracting into your life.
The other piece is when you’re not in a healthy feminine energy, you’re also going to get anxious about the connection.
Not to normalize this, but I’ve felt this in my relationship. I’ve gone, “Oh my God, imagine we broke up. I’d be so devastated.” Which is understandable, right? I love this man with all of my heart, and I would be devastated. But there was some maturing in my masculine to understand that, yes, I would be devastated. I would be very upset. I’d be disappointed. And I would also be okay. I would also be able to hold myself.
We’re about a year into our relationship now, but if you’re very early on in the dating stages, and you’re feeling this dread because you future-projected this entire relationship and now you’ll be devastated if it ends, then you’re going into this unhealthy dynamic where you’re trying to control that outcome.
This goes back to creating that sense of safety, so we know that we can weather any storm. If it doesn’t work out, of course, you can feel disappointed. You get to feel whatever you’re feeling. But your whole world isn’t shattered, because you haven’t attached to the outcome.
It’s really important that in this dating process, we maintain a level of openness. You want to be open to seeing where this connection takes you or doesn’t take you. And that’s difficult to do when you aren’t feeling safe enough to receive either outcome.
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I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”