Today’s post is in celebration of my 100th podcast episode, and it’s going to be so cool.
I’m sharing a hundred things that I have learned about love, sex, and being in a relationship. They’re going to be short, sharp, quick, and direct.
Honestly, this could be a paid masterclass. There’s so much fucking wisdom in here; wisdom I have learned through coaching hundreds and hundreds of different women in their relationships with men, their relationships with friends, their relationships with themselves, but also through being in a relationship with my partners in the past, my current partner, and my relationship with myself.
This is my own embodied wisdom, which is the best kind of wisdom, isn’t it?
Let’s get started.
A standard is only a standard if you are choosing to meet it yourself. If you’re in a relationship and you are constantly abandoning your own standards, then why would someone strive to meet them?
While a lot of healing can happen in a relationship, that’s not your partner’s responsibility.
I believe that we can do a lot of work when we’re single, but let me tell you: there is nothing like doing the work behind the scenes and then being in a relationship and actually doing the work there. Because the reality is, these wounds were created in a relationship, and they are healed in a relationship.
Every single time that I was single, I thought I’d healed all my relationship shit…only to get into a relationship and find myself deeply triggered.
Dating apps are not all created equal.
I’m a massive advocate for dating apps. I dated incredible men from dating apps. But there’s also a lot of fuckery on the dating apps, so do what you will with that information. (Don’t use Tinder. Thank me later.)
You can sit there and do your fucking journaling and do your meditations and your scripting and your visualizations and the shadow work and all of the things, but if you don’t actually choose to do things differently in your life (AKA, stop getting in a relationship with the same fuckwits over and over again) then I don’t know what to tell you. We need to actually do the external work mixed with the internal work. That’s the sweet spot where magic happens.
Even now that I’m in a relationship that’s conscious, we both have had moments where we’re like, “Oh my god, it would be so much easier to be single.” And sure, on one level, it absolutely would be easier to be single than in a relationship. There wouldn’t be another person to consider. But the reality is, we’re both devoted to this relationship. We both want to be here. So we both put in the work.
There are definitely overt traumas or acute traumas, but this is what my partner says about it: Trauma is just undigested life experience. It’s life experience that on some level you have not metabolized yet. It doesn’t have to be this huge thing.
Once the chemicals of the initial “falling in love” wear off in a relationship, you have to choose to stay in love.
Most people don’t have a healthy relationship to their anger, so they shove it down, and then it comes out as being passive aggressive, being resentful, saying something snide, all of those things. But if you actually gave voice to your anger in the beginning, it wouldn’t come out like that.
Unconscious projections are what create tension in a relationship, and not the sexy kind of tension. Unconscious projections are things that you’re thinking and feeling about another person, but you’re not being fucking honest. You’re not bringing it to that person, and that’s no way to live.
Those unconscious projections are going to fuck up your relationship more than anything.
You need to have some space, even in a relationship. If we’re going to have that passion, that excitement, that novelty, that fun, then we need to have space. We need air. We need time apart. We need individuality.
It really does. You’re in a domestic situation now, and things are different. You need to be on the same page about your expectations of each other. Sure, it’s not very sexy to sit down and talk about chores and paying bills, but it’s fucking needed. Because let me tell you, if you don’t do that, there’s going to be a whole lot of resentment in a relationship.
Have clear expectations around what each person is going to do. Talk about what moving in means to you. Does that mean we move in together? Does that mean we’re going to get married? Etcetera, etcetera.
If I say I value my material possessions, but I treat them like shit, I probably don’t value them. So if you say that you value honesty, but every time you go to have a difficult conversation, you end up people-pleasing your way out of it and not telling the truth, do you actually value honesty?
We’ll leave that one there.
Everyone thinks they are an excellent communicator, and people rarely are.
Nothing needs to be wrong in a relationship for you to desire support.
If it’s a full no, if it’s a boundary, whatever. Cool. But is it just you being a little bit of a brat? Does your partner really want a back massage or a shoulder massage and you’re like, “I can’t really be bothered to do that,” or whatever it might be? Suck it up and do it, because those rituals of connection are what make or break a relationship.
I don’t know what that phenomenon is. I can’t explain it, but they probably will. Pay no attention. Move on. Do not give them the time of day.
Don’t read into it. Do the work. Move through.
Not every desire needs to be acted upon. Just because you want a cookie doesn’t mean you’re going to eat the cookie.
Make space for your inner children. Life is not so serious. Relationships are not so serious. We don’t need to always be processing and talking about our trauma and doing tantric eye gazing practices all the time. We also need to be having fun.
It can actually build anticipation. Would we love for it to be spontaneous? Yes, absolutely. But when you both run businesses, or you have kids, that might be challenging.
Take the time to listen to her.
Not just from a physical standpoint, but from an emotional standpoint as well. I had a partner in the past where I would literally get recurring infections every single month. As soon as we broke up, I never got one again. Something to think about.
Truly. I love them. I will advocate for dating apps all day, even though I met my partner in person.
You will never get it all. There’s always going to be sacrifice on some end.
I’d never had this come up until my current relationship, and I think that’s because on some level in my past relationships, I knew that they had a time limit. In this relationship, I really feel the longevity of us and our love and our relationship and our devotion to each other, so I actually did grieve being single, and that’s okay.
In an argument, in your day to day life, there is a lot of potency in the pause.
Your mind, your body, everything will be telling you to turn around and go back. Don’t. Keep going. Have the courage to be convicted.
When I started looking for people who were modeling healthy attachment, I turned to Instagram. It helped to change my narrative. Find couples who treat each other with love, with kindness, with respect, and with admiration.
I do not know who said that, so if you know who said that quote, then I quote them. You will see that person change and evolve over and over and over again. You are going to change and evolve over and over and over again. We cannot be attached to one identity of someone. There’s actually such magic in watching someone grow and evolve and you being privy to that journey. It’s actually a fucking privilege.
Humans are multidimensional. We need to stop being in this space of black or white thinking. What makes us all so special and so unique is our multidimensionality.
Don’t listen to it.
Don’t take advice from someone who’s not in the arena. I would not take financial advice from someone who is barely scraping by. I would not take marital advice from someone who is in a toxic fucking marriage.
You do fucking know, but you need to give yourself more than two seconds to find the answer. It will come. I promise you.
The number one way to increase your magnetism is to live a life that you are actually in love with. So get a fucking hobby.
It’s siblings, teachers, friends, school bullies, all of the things.
So will mentorship. (Come work with me, babes.)
It doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.
Your feminine is your ability to receive, feel, alchemize, transmute, all the things. It’s your connection to your internal world.
Having is evidence of wanting.
Stop looking for the one mindset practice, the one embodiment practice, the one journaling thing. There isn’t one.
Take what others say, try it on, and toss it if it doesn’t resonate.
Don’t put your blinders on and pretend it’s just a very light shade of pink. No, bitch, you see it. You’re lying to yourself.
It is a completely made up construct to make you feel shit about yourself. You’re good enough as you are.
We can always see more blind spots.
You better be ready for that. Yeah, you’re not responsible for your partner, but you are responsible to them. Big difference.
Open yourself up to them.
Expose yourself, be vulnerable, open. That is what creates true connection.
There is no limit to how much love you can give or receive.
Get a therapist. And a cat, maybe.
Focus on chemistry and compatibility.
These little gestures of love, they mean a lot.
Let’s not be shallow with our compliments. Express your admiration for who they are as a person. That’s really important.
Look into your partner’s eyes during lovemaking. It will feel vulnerable. If it feels uncomfortable, I would look into that.
So if you don’t want to get attached and you don’t have strong boundaries that you know you can honor, maybe wait for sex.
I would have slept with a lot less people.
If the answer is no, you may want to leave.
Show me what a man spends his time doing, and I’ll show you what he loves.
If you’re consistently unhappy within yourself, ain’t shit gonna change when you’re in a relationship.
Because it’s probably a distraction from the one that’s right in front of your fucking face.
You not wanting to go to the gym probably isn’t from trauma. It’s probably from you being lazy.
It needs to be said twice!
Whether it dies altogether or that version of the relationship dies, we need to surrender our attachment to be fully open to love.
There’s something to be said about maintaining a little mystery.
No one can force your vulnerability. No one can force you to set boundaries. No one can make you love yourself. That’s on you.
Do not settle for anything less than that.
These are all things that I have learned myself, and they’re deeply embodied. I know them. I know some of the things that I said were a little bit direct and confronting, but I only say them because I’ve been there, and I know what all of those things feel like.
I know what it feels like to settle for less than you deserve, and I decided at one point I wasn’t going to do that anymore…and it changed my entire life.
If you are desiring to step into that new version of you, to fully take responsibility for your life, to take the next three months and fully fucking change the way you do relationships with others and the relationship you do with yourself, then I would love to have you inside The Connected Woman.
And if you’ve already done The Connected Woman before and you want to come back again, I would love to have you as well. We have had people do Connected Woman two or three times. It’s been amazing.
All of the information will be linked below. I can’t wait to see you there!
Get on the email list here for the special 100th episode surprise: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/644afb566a53602a000e4ae3
Join the FREE Zoom Party to celebrate 100th episode: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/644b0191b8a6d19950e826d0
Join The Connected Woman, a 12-week shadow work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman
Ready to do the work? You can find all courses, masterclasses, and more right here: https://michellepanning.com/all-offers
I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”