Hello, my loves. I’ve been really vibing with the concepts surrounding masculine and feminine dynamics lately, and today, we’re diving into a JUICY one.
Let’s have a little chat about expectations.
Oh, where do I even begin?
Let’s start here: having expectations is the killer of relationships.
Sounds extreme, but it’s true. I’ve seen it time and time and time again. Expectations are POISON to relationships…especially when it comes to the masculine.
Here’s a good example I heard when I attended a Tony Robbins event recently. He told this amazing story, which I thought was a perfect demonstration of the negative effect of expectations. Hopefully he won’t mind if I share it with you!
So, he mentioned how international flights on Qantas Airlines, which is an Australian airline, don’t have WiFi. So everyone expects that there will be no Wi Fi on their long flight from America to Sydney, Australia.
He got on this flight, and they announced that for the first time ever, Qantas had rolled out in-flight WiFi for international flights. Everyone was thrilled; it was the best thing ever.
So the flight takes off. Everyone’s checking their emails and their social media. And nine minutes into the flight…the WiFi drops out, and it’s gone for the rest of the flight.
Now everyone is up in arms. “Qantas is such bullshit. This is horrible. How could this happen? This is terrible customer service!”
And Tony was like, “Nine minutes ago, it was a fucking miracle that we got this at all. And now it’s a catastrophe that we don’t have it.”
The moral of this story was for us to look at how quickly it went from being an appreciation to an expectation. It really struck a chord with me, because I was like, “Fuck. People do that in relationships all the time.”
They take something that they were once appreciative of, and they turn it into an expectation. And when something’s expected and not appreciated, nobody wants to do that thing.
Here’s an example of expectation murdering the masculine energy in your partner.
Let’s say that in the beginning, your partner was buying you flowers.
You were so excited and appreciative. You were like, “Oh my God, he’s so sweet. He buys flowers. It’s so nice. Oh, he’s the one. He’s just the best ever.” And then one week he doesn’t buy you flowers, and it’s like, “What the fuck? What are you doing? Where are my flowers?” And you start throwing a little tantrum because he didn’t get you flowers this week.
After that…do you think he wants to get you flowers next week?
You’ve just turned those flowers into an expectation. And nobody wants to deliver an expectation in relationships. They want to be appreciated for their efforts.
The masculine thrives on appreciation. If you are not appreciating the masculine, he will shrivel. He will not want to provide anymore.
That is core to the masculine. Provide and protect…amongst many other things, of course.
So if the masculine is not feeling appreciated, it’s not going to want to continue to do things, or it’s going to do it with resentment.
Let’s say you just expect your partner to take out the trash. A lot of women are like, “Why should I have to thank you for doing that? Why should I have to thank you for something that you should just do?”
Maybe because it’s nice? Maybe because the masculine will wither away and rot without it?
Maybe you’re thinking, “Well, I don’t get any appreciation for the shit that I do.” Okay, well, what do you want to do? Do you want to play tit for tat, or do you want a healthy relationship?
You choose. You can’t have both.
Something that has helped my relationship to thrive is intentionally appreciating Drew for all that he does.
For instance, I actually had a car fire a few weeks ago. The whole engine is being replaced. It’s part of a recall, so it’s being worked out, but it’ll probably be a month before I get it back.
Now, Drew’s got this nice new car, it’s his favorite thing, and he loves having his freedom to drive whenever he wants. But since this car fire, he’s been telling me to take the car whenever I need it. Not just for necessities like appointments or grocery shopping, either—he knows my favorite thing in the world to do is go for a drive. That’s how I get into my meditative state. And I’m not talking about like a little twenty-minute drive—I mean I’m gone for three hours. And he’s still like, “Yes, take my car. Go for it.”
Now, I could say, “Well, he’s my partner. That’s what he should do.” No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have to do that. He’s going out of his way to do something kind for me. And if I treated it like a given, the masculine would immediately wither. He wouldn’t want to let me take his car anymore.
This isn’t the only thing he does for me, either. When I’m running calls for my Connected Woman program from 6:00 to 7:30 at night on Wednesdays, he makes sure that I have dinner ready for me when I’m done.
When I finish my call, there’s always a healthy, nourishing meal waiting for me. I don’t have to think about, “Oh, fuck, what am I going to eat?” and scramble to make something before bed.
And again, I could go, “Well, that’s just what partners do.” But I don’t. I thank him. I appreciate him, because it is so important to the masculine energy in him that I offer appreciation.
It’s not an expectation that he should give me his car. It’s not an expectation that he should cook me dinner because I have a call. Just like it’s not an expectation that, since I get up earlier than he does, I unload the dishwasher before he gets up. He really appreciates when the dishwasher is empty so that he can have a shake and then put it away in the dishwasher, because it keeps the kitchen clean.
That’s not an expectation, but I do it because I know that it makes his life easier. And he appreciates it…which helps my masculine energy thrive.
That’s what we do in relationships. Enough of this tit-for-tat game. Enough of the expectations. If you want your relationship to suffer, all you have to do is start expecting.
Now, I’m not talking about standards. You can have standards for how you both operate in the relationship. But we don’t have expectations of each other.
If you’re critical of your partner, guess what? I already know you’re ten times worse on yourself.
And notice I specifically said the masculine thrives on appreciation. I didn’t say men.
As a woman, you also have masculine energy. The masculine is the part of you that is decisive, purpose-driven, and action-taking. The masculine part of you also thrives on appreciation, but if you never fucking appreciate yourself, you’re not going to want to show up anymore, or you’re going to burn out.
If you tell yourself constantly that everything you do is wrong, if you’re always a failure, if you always fuck everything up, if you can’t seem to do anything right…why would you want to continue to show up? Why would you want to try?
Start appreciating yourself—not just for the big things. We tend to see our accomplishments as not being big enough to appreciate.
For me, I once had an 83k month, but did I celebrate it? No. I went, “Mm, but it wasn’t 100k.”
Are you shitting me? 83k is more than most people make in an entire year.
So we need to come back to really celebrating ourselves and our partners, regardless of how small the things we’re appreciating are.
If you’re not appreciating the little things, the big things don’t matter. Nobody’s going to want to do a big grand gesture if you’re not appreciating the little things.
Now, I’m not saying you need to treat them like a child and be like, “Oh my god, well done! You took out the trash! I’m so proud of you!” But a simple “Thank you, I really appreciate that!” will work wonders.
As soon as you turn your appreciations into expectations, it is going to fucking kill your relationship. I promise you that.
So if you take anything away from this, ask yourself how you can actually appreciate your partner today. And not just your partner—ask, “How can I appreciate myself today? How can I appreciate a coworker? How can I appreciate my child? How can I appreciate a friend? How can I stay in an attitude of appreciation and gratitude more?”
I promise you, when you let appreciation flow freely instead of making it something people have to earn with grand gestures, you’re going to feel way happier, and the masculine energy within your partnership will thrive.
If this has felt good and expansive to you, if this is something you want to grow in, and if you want to learn more about how masculine and feminine energies function, come join me in the Connected Woman Experience.
It is a full-year immersive group mentoring program. You’re getting education, community, mentorship, and embodiment.
It’s a space to go fucking deep. So if you’re thinking, “I am sick of living a mediocre life. I want to actually transform,” and you’re ready to stop talking about it and actually do it, then come join me in the Connected Woman Experience. All the links will be available for you below, and please, feel free to DM me on Instagram if you have any questions. I’m genuinely happy to answer questions if you have them!
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I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”