Hello, my loves. This week, I want to talk about how fucking crucial it is that you start being honest with yourself.
Because, here’s the thing: you’re not going to do shit to move forward and grow until you actually start being honest with yourself about where you’re starting. Because if you’re sitting in this space of “It’s fine, it’s good enough, it’s not that bad, maybe it’ll get better, maybe it could be like it was someday…” then you’re not being honest with yourself. And until you let go of the lie, nothing is going to change.
I’ve had many wake-up calls of my own where I realized I wasn’t being real with myself.
If you listened to the very first episode of my podcast, then you know about the time I had my come-to-Jesus moment when I was broken up with yet again.
I didn’t like my life.
I wasn’t happy.
I didn’t like the partners I was attracting. I didn’t like how they were treating me.
Equally, I didn’t like how I was treating those partners. And I sure as fuck didn’t like how I was treating myself.
Any of that sound familiar?
Look, it’s a tough pill to swallow. Being honest with yourself isn’t easy.
Nobody wants to admit they aren’t happy. Instead, we’ve been conditioned to put a smile on our face even when we’re miserable inside. But when you start being honest with yourself, I think you’ll find that it’s not “good enough” at all.
Honestly, I think this is why so many people live such mediocre lives.
They’re not willing to be honest. They’re not willing to look at the truth of where they are. They’re not willing to admit they’re unhappy, because they’re afraid they won’t be able to handle that.
Not just that they won’t be able to handle it, but that once they see it, they then have to do something about it.
Most people prefer being comfortable—even when it’s in unhappiness—over being uncomfortable in growth.
Too many people value certainty above all things.
Now, certainty is a very real human need. We all need love, safety, belonging, etcetera. But when we value certainty above everything else, we end up avoiding change at all costs, because change is inherently uncertain.
I’m sure you can see the dilemma in that. If you value certainty above anything else, you can say you really want to have conscious relationships…but if all you know is an unhealthy dynamic, you’ll stay in that dance just to stay in your comfort zone. You know how that ends, you know how that plays out, you know how that feels, and you know that you can handle that…even though it fucking sucks.
If you have a fear of uncertainty, then you’re always going to cock-block yourself from beautiful things. And this is where people get stuck.
I can hear you already: “No, no, no, that’s not true! I really, really want a healthy relationship!”
You need to start being honest with yourself. If you really wanted it—if everything in your system, mind, body, and spirit, was congruent with that desire—you would have it. But you don’t. So where’s the gap?
I’ll give you an example of why you have to want something wholeheartedly to make it happen…and why you need a really solid reason to want it.
My health has been something that I’ve been wanting to work on for a while. However, I didn’t have a deep enough reason as to why. “I just want to look good in a bikini.” Who the fuck cares? That’s not going to get my ass in gear.
It wasn’t until I recognized why I really wanted to be healthy that I was actually willing to make a fucking change. I recognized the cooked shit I was doing around health, and I knew I couldn’t do that anymore—not if I want to have the longevity that I desperately want in my business, in my relationship, for my future children, in my life…all of it.
So why is it that you want a relationship? Why is it that you want to change your relationship? Why is it that you want to be confident? Start being honest with yourself: whatever it is for you, why do you want that thing?
We need to stop being so fucking surface level. If your reason for wanting a relationship is because everybody else has one, that’s not a deep enough reason. If your reason for wanting a relationship is because you’re thirty-seven and it’s time, or if your reason is that you’re simply lonely, that’s not good enough.
What’s the deeper meaning behind it? Start being honest with yourself about that…then start being honest with yourself about why you don’t have it.
No matter how uncomfortable it feels, you need to start being honest with yourself about what you need to change if you want to make things happen. Otherwise, you know what’s going with you to the graveyard?
Your fucking dreams. Your hopes. All of it.
I’m not going to be that person. I’m not taking my fucking hopes and dreams to the grave—I want to live them. Even if they require facing down uncertainty.
If we knew with absolute certainty that we would succeed at the thing we want to do, we would do it, but because we don’t know, we avoid even trying.
Here’s a secret…most people don’t want actual love, because actual love is uncertain.
When you love someone, it is inherently risky. It is inherently vulnerable.
They could leave you. They could cheat on you. They could find someone else. They could die. They could decide they want to be single. They could decide they want to be in an open relationship, and you don’t want that.
There’s so much uncertainty in real love. What most people actually want is a certain love. They want a love where they know that person is always going to be there. They don’t care if their partner is happy—they just want them to stay, because their partner makes them happy. They want them to stick around no matter what.
That’s not love. That’s fucking entrapment.
My partner and I have said a couple times to each other, “I love you and I want you, but I don’t need you.”
My life wouldn’t completely collapse if we didn’t have each other. Would we both be devastated? Absolutely. If he left and we broke up tomorrow for whatever reason, I would be heartbroken. I would be devastated. And that’s scary.
But he’s my human. And I’m willing to be in an uncertain kind of love, because an uncertain love has so much more depth than a certain love.
So start being honest with yourself: what do you want? Do you want certainty, or do you want real love? Because we may say yes to wanting real love…but is that the truth? Because it’s going to require you to get vulnerable. And if you’re not willing to do that…get used to being single and unhappy.
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I get it, girl. I’ve been there too. For years, I was going through the same experiences with men over and over again that left me feeling confused, anxious and pissed off.
I silenced myself in dating and relationships because I was terrified of being judged, rejected and abandoned. It all changed when I went through a break-up and thought “enough is enough. I cannot continue to repeat the same relationships with different men! Something HAS to change!”