Fair warning—today’s post is going to feel like a loving throat punch.

Today, we’re going to talk about how you very well could be the red flag in your relationships.

I talk a lot about men and their red flags and what you should look out for when you’re dating, but we rarely talk about the possibility that you are the problem.

And, well…you really could be, babe. God knows I used to be.

The only reason I broke out of that was because I had this moment where I recognized that I was the red flag. I was the problem. I was contributing to the demise of all my relationships.

And if you think it can’t possibly be you…what’s the common denominator in all those relationships, babe?

So today, I’m going to walk you through five different signs that it’s not them…it’s you.

5 Signs YOU’RE the Red Flag

You Only Want to Chase Him When He’s Running

Red flag number one: you only want him when he pulls away.

Hello, disorganized attachment style girly! It’s giving anxious-avoidance, right?

You’ll swear up and down you’re done with the games. You swear that you’re ready, available, and open. You’ve read all the books, you’ve done all the research…but you’re just not that interested in him.

He’s showing up, he’s a secure guy, he’s consistent, he’s honest about how he feels for you, but you’re just not vibing with it…until he starts withdrawing.

Suddenly, you are obsessed. You have butterflies. He could be the one. And then as soon as he starts being consistent again, you’re like, “Ew, nevermind. I’ve got the ick.”

Why? Because with the secure guy, you’re “bored.” But the one who disappears and reappears? It’s like crack to you.

Here’s the thing: that’s not genuine attraction. That’s nervous system activation.

It’s like gambling. If you were to win every single time, it actually wouldn’t feel that exciting. Gambling is addicting because of that intermittent dopamine hit—you’ll lose a hundred times, but that one time you win is enough to keep you playing.

It’s the same thing here. You’re addicted to the chase; that’s when you feel most attracted. But once you have him, you’re like, “Ick. Boring, actually. No thanks.”

(Can you see the red flag there yet?)

It’s Not You, It’s Them—You Made Sure of It

Red flag number two is that you chase emotionally unavailable men…but in reality, you are the emotionally unavailable one.

“WTF? Michelle, you just said that I chase emotionally unavailable men! It has to be them!” Yeah…because you made sure of it.

You go for emotionally unavailable men because you’re emotionally unavailable. You don’t actually want to be seen, but you still want to keep your level of superiority.

It’s easy to be the available, vulnerable half of the equation when he’s even less available. If you do better than literally nothing, you’re already beating him…until you meet someone who’s actually emotionally available, and then the jig’s up.

You complain about how you keep falling for men who are too busy, too distant, too consumed in other things, too whatever, but when you choose those situations—and you are choosing them—there’s no real risk of vulnerability.

Vulnerability means being willing to be wounded. And if you have a relationship without that, there’s no risk of being hurt, right?

Here’s the thing: vulnerability is what creates intimacy. So if you have a relationship that doesn’t have vulnerability, you have a relationship that doesn’t have intimacy…therefore, you don’t actually have a relationship.

Perfectionism as an Excuse

Red flag number three: you use perfectionism as a way to stay emotionally distant.

If this is you, you probably have “high standards.” You would resonate with being a high-achiever, being an independent woman, being a perfectionist, all of that.

From the outside, people are looking at you like, “Wow. It’s wild to me that you are not in a relationship yet!”

In this case, your “high standards” might actually be masking something deeper.

Deep down, you believe that love will come when you are finally enough. So you will do all the shit. You’ll do all the work to be conscious. You’ll want to show off how well your career is going. You’ll curate the perfect dating profile…but when someone actually connects, you’ll fucking panic.

Why? Because you’re performing confidence, not actually living it. So when someone connects to you and you actually have to show up and connect on a human-to-human level instead of hiding behind your dating profile, you’re going to freak out

Your perfectionism is a red flag because you want to be chosen so badly by someone else that you’ve created all these masks, but in the process, you’ve forgotten to choose yourself.

And because of that, the way that you’re coming across is not authentic.

Love doesn’t come when you’re perfect. Love comes when you’re present. And as long as you’re pretending, you’re not truly present.

Emotionally Dumping, Not Creating Connection

Red flag number four: you think you’re being vulnerable, but you’re actually emotionally dumping, not connecting.

I used to be extremely disconnected from my vulnerability; back then, I couldn’t even say the words “I am vulnerable” when my coach asked me to.

But when I started doing this work and started reconnecting to myself, I swung way to the opposite side. Except that wasn’t me being vulnerable; that was me trauma-dumping.

I would tell my entire life story on a first date. Or I would deeply overshare in a text or voice note. I treated every connection like a fucking confession booth, and that wasn’t actually vulnerability.

When you do this, you think you’re being vulnerable, but you’re actually trying to fast-track closeness so that you can feel a sense of safety in the connection. And it’s not even going to work; it’s actually going to have the opposite effect.

Emotionally healthy men run from this shit. Not because they’re avoidant and they don’t want to hear it, but because they know it’s way too much, way too soon, and that’s a sign of something.

True vulnerability is paced. When you’re actually connected to your vulnerability, you’re revealing one layer at a time, then connecting to your body and assessing how that felt and how they responded and if it felt comfortable for you.

Bottom line? Vulnerability is not dumping all of your shit on someone else to see if they stay. In a healthy connection, vulnerability is letting someone in slowly and intentionally, with plenty of discernment. Not everyone gets access to your heart and your story.

Attract, Not Receive

The last sign that you might be the red flag is if you’re “high value” or “secure” right up until things get real.

AKA, you know how to attract…but not how to receive.

Let me break this down: you play it cool. You’ve got the sexy banter, you’ve got the boundaries, you’ve got the polished exterior, all the things. But when someone actually leans in, you ghost. You delay replying. You make them guess about how you feel.

Truth bomb: you are not being mysterious. You are being avoidant.

Men have insecurities as well, girl. This isn’t good for their feelings, either.

I get it. Deep down, there’s this fear that if they see the real you, they’re going to leave, so you leave first to save yourself the sadness, the embarrassment, the rejection, whatever it is for you. But have you considered him at all?

With dating apps, it’s very easy to churn and burn through people. And while I get that a dating app is a bit of a numbers game, you also have to recognize that there’s another person on the end of the phone. That person that you’re swiping on is a human, and they feel things, too.

You don’t have to feel bad if you don’t want to continue a connection; you don’t owe anyone that. But if you’re ghosting, if you’re taking days to reply to someone, if you’re being aloof, that’s simply not kind, and it’s not going to result in the kind of relationship that you ultimately desire.

Seeing Red? Swipe Right

If you’re going through these red flags and are having a little awakening of your own, you’re not alone—and now’s the time to get into Swipe Right, my signature dating program designed to help you take down the red flags and learn how to show up in dating like the high-value woman you are. Link’s below if you’re finally ready to invest in yourself and stop playing these chaotic dating games.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Sign up for SWIPE RIGHT, my signature dating program that is going to help you attract genuine, long-term love: https://michellepanning.com/swipe-right 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

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