Hello my loves. Today is all about dating…and how easy it is to get obsessed with someone you barely know.

I recently re-downloaded the dating apps myself; I figured if I’m releasing a program about dating, it’s only fair that I do it alongside you, right? But as long as I’m here, I’m going to talk about some of the reasons why you might not be having much success with dating.

Reason number one? When you’re hooked on a fantasy instead of seeing the real person in front of you.

Once Upon a Time…

This can happen after a first date. This can happen after a couple days of chatting. It can even happen when you see someone’s profile.

He’s hot, he’s tall, he has a good job, and he’s written that he’s emotionally available. Ding ding ding, right? You’re done!

You’re barely three text messages deep, and your brain is already going, “This is it. He’s the one. I can feel it.” You’ve started to name your future kids. You’ve mentally moved into his fucking apartment. You’ve sussed out his Instagram. You’re deep in stalker mode, trying to figure out who this chick is in his photos. “Is that his sister? Is that his cousin? Is that his ex?”

(Yeah, I see you. I see you because I was you.)

This doesn’t happen because you’re a psycho bitch. It happens because of the way your nervous system is wired.

It’s unprocessed childhood stuff. It’s trauma dressed up as fate and destiny. And it keeps you stuck in dating loops that feel real, but they’re actually just fantasies you’ve invented for yourself.

This is going to be way more prevalent if you are anxiously attached or if you’re anxious-avoidant, but it can also come up for someone with avoidant attachment. For avoidants, it usually looks less like getting attached very quickly; instead, you’ll romanticize someone, then bow out as soon as you spot a flaw.

If you’re anxiously attached or if you have a history of emotional neglect or inconsistent parenting, your nervous system is scanning for any sort of safety and stability to cling on to. And when you see someone who is presenting that way, you are naturally going to latch onto that.

A Stranger in a Soulmate Suit

Fantasizing your way into believing this is love at first chat is a coping mechanism. Let’s just be clear about that.

And before you try to argue, I’ve heard it all before: “Michelle, you don’t understand. We have such amazing banter. The connection was so real. I’ve never felt anything like that.”

Cool. Great. Love that for you. You’ve still only been on two dates with the man. You’ve spent a total of four hours with each other. You literally have no idea who this person is.

Have you ever been in a relationship that was great for the first couple months, maybe even several months, but then it turned out there was a whole lot of shit that you didn’t see at first? Stuff that you didn’t sign up for?

If the answer is yes, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re not falling for this person in actuality. You’re falling for the person that they’re presenting to you, and you’re falling for your own idea of who this person is. You’re in love with the version of him that your brain has filled in the blanks for.

Pace It Out

This is why it’s really important to pace intimacy.

Not just physical intimacy (though that can be part of it depending on certain factors) but emotional intimacy.

If you are texting all day, every day, you’re actually building a false sense of intimacy. That constant conversation makes it easy to feel like you’ve really gotten to know someone a lot more deeply than you have. Anything you’re missing, you just fill in yourself.

That’s the thing with anxious and anxious-avoidant wounding: we don’t bond through reality. We bond through potential.

It’s not about who they actually are; it’s about who they could be, or who you’re imagining them to be. You’ll bond through imagination and create connection through breadcrumbs and call it good.

In actuality, you’re using fantasy to self-soothe. You’re bypassing your body signals to slow down in order to try and skip to the “good part.” You don’t want to sit in the scary and slow process of getting to know a person; you want it to be intimate and safe straightaway, and that can actually get you into the exact opposite situation.

When you’re stuck in limerence, which is what this unhealthy obsession is called, you ignore red flags, you ignore inconsistency, you ignore incompatibility, and you ignore the fact that you don’t actually know this person. And that can result in you giving the most vulnerable parts of yourself to someone who hasn’t earned that kind of place in your life.

Locked in Limerence? Join Swipe Right!

So, like I tell all my clients when they’re getting swept up in the thrill of dating: I want you to recognize that this is a literal stranger.

That doesn’t mean you can’t be excited. But instead of spiraling into, “I really like him! I think he’s the one!” I suggest you rephrase it to be, “I like what I see so far.”

What you see now could change in an instant. I don’t say that to scare you; it’s just true. It can seem perfect on paper at first, and then some time later, the dealbreakers could start popping up.

If this hit home, then you need to sign up for Swipe Right, my signature dating program…this time with me in the trenches alongside you.

We are going deep into this pattern of limerence. We’re not just talking about theory. We’re going to really help you detach from the parts that hook on to someone out of fear.

This program helps you step into being the chooser, not the chaser. You’re going to learn how to flirt, how to connect, and how to stay grounded even when—especially when—your chemistry is off the charts.

You’re also going to learn how to regulate your nervous system through different audio drops, embodiment, and some real-world dating strategy. It’s not just a bunch of mindset fluff. You actually will have a strategy that shows you what fucking works and what doesn’t.

It’s not just a dating course; it is a full reset for your love life.

You deserve a relationship where you are not begging to be chosen. One where you feel safe from the start. But that starts with you coming home to yourself, and that’s where Swipe Right is going to make all the fucking difference.

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Sign up for SWIPE RIGHT, my signature dating program that is going to help you attract genuine, long-term love: https://michellepanning.com/swipe-right 

These aren’t just retreats. These are where we turn your inner chaos into GOLD. Sign up for THE AWAKENING RETREATS now before they sell out: https://michellepanning.com/awakening 

Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning

Website: http://www.michellepanning.com