Today’s post is in celebration of my 100^th podcast episode, and it’s going to be so cool.

I’m sharing a hundred things that I have learned about love, sex, and being in a relationship. They’re going to be short, sharp, quick, and direct. 

Honestly, this could be a paid masterclass. There’s so much fucking wisdom in here; wisdom I have learned through coaching hundreds and hundreds of different women in their relationships with men, their relationships with friends, their relationships with themselves, but also through being in a relationship with my partners in the past, my current partner, and my relationship with myself.

This is my own embodied wisdom, which is the best kind of wisdom, isn’t it? 

Let’s get started. 

1. No one will meet your standards if you do not uphold them yourself. 

A standard is only a standard if you are choosing to meet it yourself. If you’re in a relationship and you are constantly abandoning your own standards, then why would someone strive to meet them? 

2. It is not your partner’s responsibility to heal you.

While a lot of healing can happen in a relationship, that’s not your partner’s responsibility. 

3. The best healing happens in a relationship. 

I believe that we can do a lot of work when we’re single, but let me tell you: there is nothing like doing the work behind the scenes and then being in a relationship and actually doing the work there. Because the reality is, these wounds were created in a relationship, and they are healed in a relationship.

4. The work doesn’t really begin until you’re in a relationship. 

Every single time that I was single, I thought I’d healed all my relationship shit…only to get into a relationship and find myself deeply triggered. 

5. Dating apps are hit and miss. 

Dating apps are not all created equal.

I’m a massive advocate for dating apps. I dated incredible men from dating apps. But there’s also a lot of fuckery on the dating apps, so do what you will with that information. (Don’t use Tinder. Thank me later.)

6. You can do all the internal work that you want, but if you don’t change your external behavior, it will be more of the same. 

You can sit there and do your fucking journaling and do your meditations and your scripting and your visualizations and the shadow work and all of the things, but if you don’t actually choose to do things differently in your life (AKA, stop getting in a relationship with the same fuckwits over and over again) then I don’t know what to tell you. We need to actually do the external work mixed with the internal work. That’s the sweet spot where magic happens.

7. Even in the healthiest of relationships, you will have moments where you’re like, “Fuck this.”

Even now that I’m in a relationship that’s conscious, we both have had moments where we’re like, “Oh my god, it would be so much easier to be single.” And sure, on one level, it absolutely would be easier to be single than in a relationship. There wouldn’t be another person to consider. But the reality is, we’re both devoted to this relationship. We both want to be here. So we both put in the work. 

8. Trauma doesn’t have to be an overt experience.

There are definitely overt traumas or acute traumas, but this is what my partner says about it: Trauma is just undigested life experience. It’s life experience that on some level you have not metabolized yet. It doesn’t have to be this huge thing. 

9. Love is a choice. 

Once the chemicals of the initial “falling in love” wear off in a relationship, you have to choose to stay in love.

10. Anger is a very, very healthy emotion when it is expressed cleanly. 

Most people don’t have a healthy relationship to their anger, so they shove it down, and then it comes out as being passive aggressive, being resentful, saying something snide, all of those things. But if you actually gave voice to your anger in the beginning, it wouldn’t come out like that. 

11. Unconscious projections hold weight. 

Unconscious projections are what create tension in a relationship, and not the sexy kind of tension. Unconscious projections are things that you’re thinking and feeling about another person, but you’re not being fucking honest. You’re not bringing it to that person, and that’s no way to live.

Those unconscious projections are going to fuck up your relationship more than anything.

12. Fire needs air. 

You need to have some space, even in a relationship. If we’re going to have that passion, that excitement, that novelty, that fun, then we need to have space. We need air. We need time apart. We need individuality.

13. Moving in together changes things in a relationship. 

It really does. You’re in a domestic situation now, and things are different. You need to be on the same page about your expectations of each other. Sure, it’s not very sexy to sit down and talk about chores and paying bills, but it’s fucking needed. Because let me tell you, if you don’t do that, there’s going to be a whole lot of resentment in a relationship.

Have clear expectations around what each person is going to do. Talk about what moving in means to you. Does that mean we move in together? Does that mean we’re going to get married? Etcetera, etcetera.

14. There is a difference between saying you value something and actually valuing something.

If I say I value my material possessions, but I treat them like shit, I probably don’t value them. So if you say that you value honesty, but every time you go to have a difficult conversation, you end up people-pleasing your way out of it and not telling the truth, do you actually value honesty? 

15. Chances are, you aren’t asking for too much in a relationship.

We’ll leave that one there. 

16. You’re probably not communicating as much as you think you are. 

Everyone thinks they are an excellent communicator, and people rarely are. 

17. Every couple should have a therapist. 

Nothing needs to be wrong in a relationship for you to desire support. 

18. When you’re in a relationship, sometimes you’re going to do shit that you don’t want to do. 

If it’s a full no, if it’s a boundary, whatever. Cool. But is it just you being a little bit of a brat? Does your partner really want a back massage or a shoulder massage and you’re like, “I can’t really be bothered to do that,” or whatever it might be? Suck it up and do it, because those rituals of connection are what make or break a relationship.

19. Your exes are probably going to pop up right when you’re feeling really happy. 

I don’t know what that phenomenon is. I can’t explain it, but they probably will. Pay no attention. Move on. Do not give them the time of day. 

20. You can be the most healed person, and your mommy and daddy shit will still come up.

Don’t read into it. Do the work. Move through. 

21. It is normal to have physical attraction and desire for another person when in a relationship that’s long-term.

Not every desire needs to be acted upon. Just because you want a cookie doesn’t mean you’re going to eat the cookie.

22. Prioritize fun and play in a relationship.

Make space for your inner children. Life is not so serious. Relationships are not so serious. We don’t need to always be processing and talking about our trauma and doing tantric eye gazing practices all the time. We also need to be having fun. 

23. Scheduling sex isn’t a bad thing. 

It can actually build anticipation. Would we love for it to be spontaneous? Yes, absolutely. But when you both run businesses, or you have kids, that might be challenging. 

24. Your body is incredibly wise. 

Take the time to listen to her. 

25. If you are getting recurring infections, look into who you’re fucking.

Not just from a physical standpoint, but from an emotional standpoint as well. I had a partner in the past where I would literally get recurring infections every single month. As soon as we broke up, I never got one again. Something to think about. 

26. Dating apps are the best practice ground for learning your boundaries, your standards, and handling rejection.

Truly. I love them. I will advocate for dating apps all day, even though I met my partner in person. 

27. Being single has its pros and cons, as does being in a relationship. 

You will never get it all. There’s always going to be sacrifice on some end. 

28. It is okay to grieve your single life while you’re in a relationship.

I’d never had this come up until my current relationship, and I think that’s because on some level in my past relationships, I knew that they had a time limit. In this relationship, I really feel the longevity of us and our love and our relationship and our devotion to each other, so I actually did grieve being single, and that’s okay.

29. Pause. 

In an argument, in your day to day life, there is a lot of potency in the pause. 

30. It’s usually at the point where you think it’s not going to work, that it does. 

31. Leveling up requires so much fucking courage.

Your mind, your body, everything will be telling you to turn around and go back. Don’t. Keep going. Have the courage to be convicted. 

32. Your friends can be some of your biggest teachers, but only if you have the ability and capacity to listen. 

33. Empathy is a skill, and not everyone has it. 

34. You are a product of the people you spend the most time with.

Choose wisely. 

35. You’re not going to find a man who loves all of your expression. 

36. If you never had models of healthy relationships, as most people didn’t, then it’s on you to go find them. 

When I started looking for people who were modeling healthy attachment, I turned to Instagram. It helped to change my narrative. Find couples who treat each other with love, with kindness, with respect, and with admiration.

37. If investing in yourself is your biggest edge, you need to find bigger edges. 

38. There’s a time for doing the internal work, and then there’s a time to stop fucking complaining and just take action. 

39. If you are looking for a problem, you will find one. 

40. To be in a long term relationship is to attend a thousand funerals of that person.

I do not know who said that, so if you know who said that quote, then I quote them. You will see that person change and evolve over and over and over again. You are going to change and evolve over and over and over again. We cannot be attached to one identity of someone. There’s actually such magic in watching someone grow and evolve and you being privy to that journey. It’s actually a fucking privilege.

41. You get to be a walking, talking contradiction. 

Humans are multidimensional. We need to stop being in this space of black or white thinking. What makes us all so special and so unique is our multidimensionality. 

42. When meeting a new edge, your ego is going to throw up every reason why this is a fucking stupid idea. 

Don’t listen to it. 

43. Only take advice from people who are doing the thing or have done the thing. 

Don’t take advice from someone who’s not in the arena. I would not take financial advice from someone who is barely scraping by. I would not take marital advice from someone who is in a toxic fucking marriage.

44. Your safest investment is always in yourself. 

45. Stop saying “I don’t know.”

You do fucking know, but you need to give yourself more than two seconds to find the answer. It will come. I promise you. 

46. Live a life that you love. 

The number one way to increase your magnetism is to live a life that you are actually in love with. So get a fucking hobby. 

47. There is a whole world inside of yourself that has yet to be discovered, if you can get the fuck out of your own way. 

48. When looking at your childhood trauma, it’s not just parents. 

It’s siblings, teachers, friends, school bullies, all of the things.

49. Having a good group of friends is super important, because it will help build your external awareness. 

So will mentorship. (Come work with me, babes.)

50. A lot of healing can be done through pleasure and play. 

It doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.

51. Being a feminine being has nothing to do with the external. 

Your feminine is your ability to receive, feel, alchemize, transmute, all the things. It’s your connection to your internal world. 

52. You are always getting something from any given situation or circumstance. 

Having is evidence of wanting. 

53. Stop looking for one magic pill.

Stop looking for the one mindset practice, the one embodiment practice, the one journaling thing. There isn’t one. 

54. Your wisdom above mine or anyone else’s. 

Take what others say, try it on, and toss it if it doesn’t resonate. 

55. Be wary of any coach or mentor who tells you their way is the only way.

56. When you see a red flag, pay attention to it. 

Don’t put your blinders on and pretend it’s just a very light shade of pink. No, bitch, you see it. You’re lying to yourself. 

57. When you lie to yourself and say it’s not as bad as it is, the only person that you are cheating is yourself.

58. There is no benchmark for being good enough. 

It is a completely made up construct to make you feel shit about yourself. You’re good enough as you are. 

59. The duality of that is that we can always improve. 

We can always see more blind spots.

60. Healing can become a trap where it serves as a mechanism to make you feel worse about yourself.

61. Relationships require a lot of responsibility. 

You better be ready for that. Yeah, you’re not responsible for your partner, but you are responsible to them. Big difference. 

62. Connected sexual experiences are some of the most transcendent experiences that there are.

Open yourself up to them. 

63. Allow yourself to be seen.

Expose yourself, be vulnerable, open. That is what creates true connection. 

64. Knowing that you could get heartbroken at any moment and still choosing to open your heart is true vulnerability. 

65. Vulnerability isn’t sharing your deepest traumas. Vulnerability is the willingness to be wounded. 

66. Attachment and love are two very different things. 

67. Expectations will kill your relationship. Standards will elevate it. 

68. Your relationship is a reflection of you.

69.  Love is an untapped resource. (I really should have done something spicy for 69, but it’s not spicy.)

There is no limit to how much love you can give or receive.

70. Loneliness is never a good reason to be in a relationship. 

Get a therapist. And a cat, maybe.

71. When starting to date someone, solely focusing on chemistry is a one-way ticket to a trauma bond. 

Focus on chemistry and compatibility. 

72. Give your partner genuine compliments as often as you possibly can. 

These little gestures of love, they mean a lot.

73. Speaking of compliments, don’t just focus on the external. 

Let’s not be shallow with our compliments. Express your admiration for who they are as a person. That’s really important. 

74. If you filter your entire life through the question, “If I loved myself truly and deeply, what would I do here?” your entire life will change. 

75. Look into their eyes. 

Look into your partner’s eyes during lovemaking. It will feel vulnerable. If it feels uncomfortable, I would look into that. 

76. The stories you tell yourself as a sexual being absolutely affect how you are in the bedroom.

77. When a woman has sex with a man, bonding chemicals are released in her body. 

So if you don’t want to get attached and you don’t have strong boundaries that you know you can honor, maybe wait for sex. 

78. If you filter the guys you fuck through the filter of, “Would I have a kid with this guy?” things will change. 

I would have slept with a lot less people.

79. When deciding if you want to leave a relationship or not, filter it through this question: “If I had a son and he turned out exactly like this man, would I be proud?”

If the answer is no, you may want to leave. 

80. One of love’s greatest enemies is busyness. 

Show me what a man spends his time doing, and I’ll show you what he loves. 

81. Being in love and being in a relationship is not a one-way ticket to happiness.

If you’re consistently unhappy within yourself, ain’t shit gonna change when you’re in a relationship. 

82. If you’re anxious in a relationship, you’re probably anxious with money. If you’re avoidant in a relationship, you’re probably avoidant with money.

83. Stop looking for the next shadow. 

Because it’s probably a distraction from the one that’s right in front of your fucking face. 

84. It’s not always so fucking deep. 

You not wanting to go to the gym probably isn’t from trauma. It’s probably from you being lazy.

85. To be in a relationship is to attend a thousand funerals of that person! 

It needs to be said twice!

86. You need to be willing to let a relationship die.

Whether it dies altogether or that version of the relationship dies, we need to surrender our attachment to be fully open to love. 

87. This is a personal opinion, and maybe an unpopular opinion, but if you never have disagreements in your relationship, what the fuck are you not saying?

88. Relationships are like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

89. Putting your partner down as a form of humor is the most immature form of humor there is. 

90. Contempt is a one way ticket to the relationship grave. 

91. You’re not a bitch if you’re being direct.

92. Your partner doesn’t need to know your every thought. 

There’s something to be said about maintaining a little mystery. 

93. Once you’ve recognized that something or someone is repeatedly draining you or depleting you and you stay, that’s on you, babe.

94. When you’re in a shame pit and you recognize that you’re in a shame pit, it’s your responsibility to move through that. 

95. How well you hold yourself in a low point is a direct reflection of how well you hold yourself in a high point. 

96. Self love is the most unconditional love there is.

97. Sometimes self love is eating nourishing foods. And sometimes self love is getting a bag of popcorn or some chocolate, popping on some Netflix, and calling it a fucking day.

98. Self love is having the courage to believe in yourself, even when you have no evidence that what you desire is going to work out. 

99. Show up for your life. No one can do it for you. 

No one can force your vulnerability. No one can force you to set boundaries. No one can make you love yourself. That’s on you.

100. You deserve a life full of joy and pleasure. 

Do not settle for anything less than that.

Thank You For Being Here…Times 100!

These are all things that I have learned myself, and they’re deeply embodied. I know them. I know some of the things that I said were a little bit direct and confronting, but I only say them because I’ve been there, and I know what all of those things feel like.

I know what it feels like to settle for less than you deserve, and I decided at one point I wasn’t going to do that anymore…and it changed my entire life. 

If you are desiring to step into that new version of you, to fully take responsibility for your life, to take the next three months and fully fucking change the way you do relationships with others and the relationship you do with yourself, then I would love to have you inside The Connected Woman.

And if you’ve already done The Connected Woman before and you want to come back again, I would love to have you as well. We have had people do Connected Woman two or three times. It’s been amazing. 

All of the information will be linked below. I can’t wait to see you there!   

WORK WITH MICHELLE: 

Get on the email list here for the special 100th episode surprise: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/644afb566a53602a000e4ae3

Join the FREE Zoom Party to celebrate 100th episode: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/644b0191b8a6d19950e826d0

Join The Connected Woman, a 12-week shadow work course for women who want to go from feeling anxious AF about their love lives to feeling confident, secure and having unfuckwithable self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman 

Ready to do the work? You can find all courses, masterclasses, and more right here: https://michellepanning.com/all-offers

CONNECT WITH MICHELLE:

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Website: http://www.michellepanning.com